After Winter, Must Come Spring

Here it is the end of April…We have had at least 10 beautiful days. Spring has arrived, but it took me awhile to notice. Rushing to and fro, arriving at work only to realize that I don't remember the ride. I hear nothing (many times I don't even turn on the radio), I smell nothing and worse of all, I see nothing. Just passing from point A to point B as if in a tunnel. Totally focused internally….thinking about everything and nothing. A jumble of random thoughts……I wish I didn't have to go to work, I wish my son didn't have track practice tonight, why did my son have to break his thumb, how will I fit in everything that needs to be done today……..

 

Events of the past week have made me want to open my eyes, stimulate my senses and experience everything this world has to offer.

 

This morning, while laying in bed, I tuned in to my surroundings and quickly noticed the birds chirping. At that moment, I decided that I was going to take in everything of beauty on my ride in to work.

  

As soon as I walked outside, I noticed that my Japanese Maple was fuller than it was a year ago and my Azalea bush was starting to bloom. I wondered why the blooms were not as bright pink as my neighbor's. Hmm…a good question, but beautiful nonetheless.

 

My neighbor down the street had repainted her front doors a wonderful, deep red. The knocker shone brightly against the new paint. I really like a red door and red double doors are even better. I think the color selection has something to do with Feng Shui. Whatever the case, the result is eye-catching.

 

Another beautiful thing I noticed this morning was the smile on my friend's face at work. One of the people who always brightens my day by taking the time to greet me. She shows genuine care and concern for the things that are going on in my life, good or challenging (I'm trying to refrain from saying "bad").

 

As I pulled into the parking lot at work this morning, I was singing along with Mary J. Blige's song "Just Fine". The lyrics are "I like what I see when I'm looking at me, when I'm walkin' past the mirror…." This is true! I saw one more beautiful thing this morning….me……as I glanced in the rear view mirror.

 

I never even realized I had turned the radio on…..

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Lessons in Living.......and Dying

Today I am going to say good bye to a dear friend who died suddenly of heart attack on Friday. She was a good friend, a beautiful person inside and out and sadly, only 47 years-old with a 6 year-old son. I plunged into a sea of sorrow and regret upon hearing of her death. She was one of those "seize the moment" type people and sadly again, I have trouble with that. She'd say "Hey what are you doing? Come on by." More often than not, I would say that I had a ton to do, the boys had activities and  I was tired, too tired. Now I find myself wishing that I had been more spontaneous. Wishing I had "seized the moment" and taken every opportunity to be with her. When we did get together, we laughed and laughed. We had some crazy times......really crazy times. We had fun every single time we were together!! Why didn't I do it more???? I think I spent to much time worrying about things that were not important. Was my house clean, was the laundry done, was my hair done, had I gained weight etc etc etc. These silly things stood in the way of experiencing spur of the moment fun, friendship and girl bonding. It seems so ridiculous now. I guess because I always thought there would be time to do it...later. Well guess what? Now it's too damn late.

I can't go back to change the story, so I can only ask myself, "What am I supposed to learn from this?"  Moving forward, I will try to:

1. Never put off spending time with loved ones, tomorrow isn't promised.
2. Be spontaneous. Do what will make me or my children happy at that moment. For example, a week night movie, ice cream after school, a quick trip to the park, a slurpee
3. Call my friends and family often and let them know how I feel about them.
4. Reconnect with old friends (friending them on facebook is not enough)
5. Take a girl's trip with my old friends (doesn't have to be long or expensive)
6. Make new friends, travel again and explore

I even made my kids Easter baskets this year which I had never done before because I thought that it was silly. I thought they never noticed, but I betcha they did. Thinking back to my childhood, I remember how happy I was when I got a basket. My Aunt Kim always took the time to make one. I loved the candy, I loved her and that little gesture showed me that she loved me......

RIP Lourdes.... I love you!

Getting Ready To Live...

Ralph Waldo Emerson hit the nail on the head when he said, "We are always getting ready to live but never living."  This little quote sums up exactly how I have lived my life up until this point. Seems like I'm always getting ready to do………something. What I know now is that I've let my fears get the best of me. For me, getting ready to do something is really just a way of announcing what I want to do but giving my fears time to run interference.

Once you decide that you are going to do something, anything, you should move immediately and boldly in that direction.
  

Well I finally made one of my "getting readies" a reality. I was getting ready to start a blog and I finally did it.  Next!!!
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Where Should I Start? How Do I Start?

Where does one start when trying to have a better, more fulfilled life? You take a look at your life and identify something that you see standing in your way. A behavior that is self-defeating or debilitating.

I took a close look at my life and discovered that I have an addiction. It is one of the main issues that gets in the way of me truly experiencing fulfillment. It is the one thing that gets in the way of me being who I want to be, doing what I want to do, going where I want to go and seeing what I want to see. What is my addiction??

 People pleasing...... As long as I can remember, I always wanted other people to be happy and comfortable. That's not really so bad or unusual, but at some point I noticed that I wanted other people to be happy and comfortable at the expense of my own happiness. More times than I can count, every week, every day, several times a day even........I am putting someone else's feelings before my own. When I ask myself why I continually do this, I come up with two reasons. 1) I want EVERYBODY to like me. 2) I care entirely too much about what people think of me.

I have listed two different reasons, but the more I think about it, the more I believe that they are both the same thing. Logically, I know this is totally ridiculous. Everybody is not going to like me, but really.......who cares??? I do, and that is the damn problem. I care more about the feelings of the person on the street than I do my own. An exaggeration? Probably, but not too, too much of a stretch.

I feel compelled to give a few examples of my extreme people pleasing because I think if I see it on paper, I will truly realize how crazy it is.

My eyebrows........I have had the hardest time finding someone to arch them correctly. After an extensive search, I found a girl that I like in a shop that I had gone to several times. Each time I had gone previously, someone different had done my brows. An old lady in the shop had messed up my brows on two prior occasions. She's terrible and it never fails that she is the only one available! On this particular day when I went into the salon, the girl that I wanted was busy and the old lady was available as usual. She told me the other girl was with a client, but that she would do them for me. I really did not want her to do them because I knew I wouldn't be happy, but I was so afraid of hurting her feelings or having her think I was a "b", that I let her do them anyway. Guess what? She messed them up again and I have been walking around with jacked up brows for two weeks. I was mad at her but I should have been mad at myself.

A few more quick examples:

•  Letting people at work sucker me into taking on grunt work because I want to keep everyone happy.
•  Biting my tongue when it comes to dealing with family members because I want everybody in my extended family to get along and I don't want anyone to be upset with me.
• going to jewelry demonstrations, fundraisers, MLM meetings, etc that I have zero desire to attend just because I don't want to hurt people's feelings or have them think that I am, I don't know.....whatever
• Remaining friends with people who clearly don't have my best interests at heart because I care more about what they think of me, than what I think of them!!!

Anyway those are just a few examples. I have searched my soul to try and come up with a reason why I feel this way. I think it is related to feelings of abandonment that I experienced as a child after my parent's divorce. I was absolutely convinced that my father left because of something I had done. I thought that if I had been better, smarter, cuter or more well behaved, maybe he would have stayed. Totally ridiculous I know, but that was the mind of a child. I think after that, I went on a mission to stop people from going away from me. So I would never say or do anything to make that happen, but somewhere along the way, I went from being concerned with the feelings of friends and family to caring too much about anyone and everyone's feelings. Now this has become a life long, paralyzing habit.

How do I break away from this behavior? How do I change? Where do I start? Maybe I'll start with the eyebrows. I'm due for a wax this week. I will not, I repeat, I will not let the old lady do my brows! lol! Seriously though.........Is this people pleasing or am I just being a straight up punk????

Okay……. I am over the anger I felt on Monday night. I am over the anger I felt when I realized that my desire to change and improve my life was not well received by those around me. I understand now that change can be scary to those closest to me. Change can be threatening because you just never know what the outcome will be.

 

Maybe I'll decide that I want to live in another place. Maybe I'll decide that I want to change careers. Maybe I'll decide I want to travel the world. Maybe I'll meet a bunch of new friends and start doing things I've never done before. Maybe I'll, I'll………….

 

The list could go on and on.

 

So I'm not angry anymore, but won't change my mind. This is something I must do.

  

I've been thinking a lot about what I posted on Sunday. I said that I wasn't happy, but looking back, I don't think that happy was the right word. I am happy, but happiness is a temporary state. I am happy today because I have a great family, a nice home, a decent job and my bills are paid.

 Also because I'm pretty healthy, Christmas is coming, my kids are doing great in school and the headache I had this morning went away. But things could be different tomorrow if I wake up and my car won't start, I get a tax bill in the mail or a traffic camera takes a picture of my husband running ANOTHER red light! Lol! Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I am looking for more than happiness; I am looking for fulfillment in my life.

 

Wikipedia defines personal fulfillment as " the achievement of life goals which are important to an individual ………."

 

That's what I want……………………………………


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Everyone Does Not Embrace Change

It's funny how I thought that all of my family and friends would be supportive of my change. In my mind, they would support my desire to improve myself, increase my power and live my best life. I thought that everyone would want me to be the very best person I could be. The most confident, the most secure, the most loving, active etc. But the truth is, people are threatened by change. People are comfortable with having things the way they are.....

Epiphany

I am posting for the the first time on this blog or any blog for that matter because I had an epiphany today. Every year during the holiday season, I analyze the status of my life. My ups and downs, my likes and dislikes and my total fulfillment or happiness on a scale from 1 to 10. It's a period of self reflection.This year, I wasn't so happy with what I found. I am doing the exact same thing this year at Thanksgiving, that I was doing last year. No less, but the troubling thing is, no more either. I always credited myself with being an enlightened and progressive person, but somewhere I lost my forward mobility. How did it happen? I'm just not sure. I guess I got lost someplace between the job, the family and the chores.

It's very easy to have your creativity, energy, natural curiosity and fun-loving spirit sapped, if you don't get a free moment to yourself before 9 p.m. It's very easy to lay on the couch on a Friday night or a Saturday morning "resting" and mourning the life you once had.

Once upon a time, on a Saturday morning, I would spring out of the bed for a quick bike ride around the Drive in Philly, stop at the coffee shop on the corner read the paper and chat with my friends. After a quick shower, I was off to Whole Foods to pick out some outrageously expensive salad greens, exotic meat or vegetable for lunch. Very often, it was free range stuffed chicken breast, roasted vegetables and fresh squeezed juice for one. A glorious life. No one else to consider but me. Table for one, food for one, one, one, one and one.......

There was no one else to consider but me. I went to the museums on The Parkway. Dinners out, trips to the gym, world travel, photography classes, walks in the park, new cars, news clothes, bike rides, hikes etc etc etc. All without the blink of an eye.

Suddenly my world changed, willingly, I think. I married, moved to Maryland, bought a house, another house and had two sons. All wonderful and life enriching experiences, but somehow instead of growing, I stagnated. Life was no longer about me and my happiness. As mothers and wives often do, I became more concerned about the happiness of others. Suddenly the happiness of my husband and children came before my own. Some argue that is how it should be, but I beg to differ. Somehow a family has to find balance, no one person can be 100% happy and have all of their needs met, but if I had to choose now, I would say the woman has to be the most happy. She holds the fate of the family in her hands. If the woman is not happy, the others can't truly be. If a woman (wife) is not happy, her husband won't be either. He won't have the level of intimacy he likes nor the level of physical contact. If the woman (mother) is not fulfilled and happy, the kids will not have their emotional needs met. Yes, they will be well fed, have clean clothes, the right school supplies, money for the fundraiser, haircuts, birthday parties etc. But will they have what really matters?  Children benefit emotionally from a mother who is relaxed, carefree, spontaneous, loving, stress-free and patient. If a woman is not happy and fulfilled, emotionally, she has little to share.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I discovered that I am not truly happy and haven't been for a long time. It's no one else's fault but my own. I won't blame it on my husband or anyone else. Somewhere along the line I willingly gave up my happiness and my life as I knew it, for the happiness of those around me. I thought if everything was perfect in my home, with my family, I would be happy. I was wrong.

I am now on a mission to rediscover my former self and evolve into the woman I know I can be. I realize my life will never be the same again, but I don't need it to be. My life will be different, but it can be better.........